I should be doing other things. There is a list. Deadlines. So many shoulds. Instead I am thinking about the rose that my youngest picked today that smelled like euphoria, and of his smile asking to play catch, and of the homeless people I pass by again and again, each time feeling everything and still not knowing how I can help, passing as I do in my car without carrying cash, or on the sidewalk with my dog. Instead I’ve got headphones in my ears, and paint on my fingers, and I’m circling my circles, and I’ve got this Tim Seibles poem on mind.
TRYING FOR FIRE
Right now, even if a muscular woman wanted
to teach me the power of her skin
I’d probably just stand here with my hands
jammed in my pockets. Tonight
I’m feeling weak as water, watching the wind
bandage the moon. That’s how it is tonight:
sky like tar, thin gauzy clouds,
a couple lame stars. A car rips by —
the driver’s cigarette pinwheels past
the dog I saw hit this afternoon.
One second he was trotting along
With his wet nose tasting the air,
next thing I know he’s off the curb,
a car swerves and, bam, it’s over. For an instant,
he didn’t seem to understand he was dying —
he lifted his head as if he might still reach
the dark-green trash bags half-open on the other side of the street.
I wish someone could tell me
how to live in the city. My friends
just shake their heads and shrug. I
can’t go to church–I’m embarrassed by things
preachers say we should believe.
I would talk to my wife, but she’s worried
about the house. Whenever she listens
she hears the shingles giving in
to the rain. If I read the paper
I start believing some stranger
has got my name in his pocket
on a matchbook next to his knife.
When I was twelve I’d take out the trash–
the garage would open like some ogre’s cave
while just above my head the Monday Night Movie
stepped out of the television, and my parents
leaned back in their chairs. I can still hear
my father’s voice coming through the floor,
“Boy, make sure you don’t make a mess down there.”
I remember the red-brick caterpillar of row houses
on Belfield Avenue and, not much higher than the rooftops,
the moon, soft and pale as a nun’s thigh.
I had a plan back then–my feet were made
for football: each toe had the heart
of a different animal, so I ran
ten ways at once. I knew I’d play pro,
and live with my best friend, and
when Vanessa let us pull up her sweater
those deep-brown balloony mounds made me believe
in a world where eventually you could touch
whatever you didn’t understand.
If I was afraid of anything it was
my bedroom when my parents made me
turn out the light: that knocking noise
that kept coming through the walls,
the shadow shapes by the bookshelf,
the feeling that something was always there
just waiting for me to close my eyes.
But only sleep would get me, and I’d
wake up running for my bike, my life
jingling like a little bell in the breeze.
I understood so little that I
understood it all, and I still know
what it meant to be one of the boys
who had never kissed a girl.
I never did play pro football.
I never got to do my mad-horse,
mountain goat, happy-wolf dance
for the blaring fans in the Astro Dome.
I never snagged a one-hander over the middle
against Green Bay and stole my snaky way
down the sideline for the game-breaking six.
And now, the city is crouched like a mugger
behind me–right outside, in the alley behind my door,
a man stabbed this guy for his wallet, and sometimes
I see this four-year-old with his face all bruised,
his father holding his hand like a vise. When I
turn on the radio the music is just like the news.
So, what should I do–close my eyes and hope
whatever’s out there will just let me sleep?
I won’t sleep tonight. I’ll stay near my TV
and watch the police get everybody.
Across the street a woman is letting
her phone ring. I see her in the kitchen
stirring something on the stove. Farther off
a small do chips the quiet with his bark.
Above me the moon looks like a nickel
in a murky little creek. This
is the same moon that saw me twelve,
without a single bill to pay, zinging
soup can tops into the dark — I called them
flying saucers. This is the same
white light that touched dinosaurs, that
found the first people trying for fire.
It must have been very good, that moment
when wood smoke turned to flickering, when
they believed night was broken
once and for all — I wonder what almost-words
were spoken. I wonder how long
before that first flame went out.
First published in Hurdy-Gurdy by Tim Siebles