I don’t realize how fast I’ve been twirling until I settle down with Sprout in his blue room for a nap. I don’t realize how far away I’ve been, until I am here, next to him, with his hand on my clavicle, and his damp hair pressed against my cheek.
I’m home so rarely now, it might be the truth to say that I hardly remember how it feels.
Like this.
Like the sound of his heartbeat and the oscillating fan moving air around his room. Like my body folding into the softness of his small twin bed. Like his hand tracing the lines of my jaw bone, eyebrows, nose.
I watch as the fan stirs the mobile of moon and stars I made when I was expecting him, and feel the way who I am becoming, and who I was then are poles apart. Now, I am made of twirling parts. A dervish, with a prayer of days. A hundred lists, the velocity of now hitting me with full force.
* * *
I keep looking for a blueprint for how to do this well: Being both. Being everything. Mama, writer, artist, strategist, creative, partner, lover.
The moments overlap, unfold, tilt. I write a list of of women I admire on a scrap of paper:
Georgia O’Keefe, Anais Nin, Adrienne Rich, Patti Smith, Isabelle Illende, Elizabeth Gilbert, Annie Dillard, Mary Oliver, Alice Munro, Joan Didion, Barbara Kingsolver, Twyla Tharp, Meryl Streep, Rebecca Makkai, Pam Houston, Anne Lamott, Danielle Laporte, Sabrina Ward Harrison, Brene Brown.
Then I realize less than half have children. The half that do rarely talk of it; of how their lives navigate worlds, and how they must feel a certain push-pull and heartache that comes the tug-of-war between self and children, self and world, self and lover/partner/spouse.
* * *
Is there a blueprint for this life?
Is it possible to be great, to be a Creative in the broadest sense, to live deeply into the world, and still create the measured tempo of home, the rhythm of domesticity, the moments of daily bread and wonder? Some days I think so. Other’s not. I fluctuate, and now is the season when I feel most restless, like the raccoons who wend their way through the summer heat and shoulder-high corn, looking for fat kernels of sweetness.
It’s fluctuation then,that remains my constant.
And this much is all I know: Everything, even this restlessness, and also the quiet stirring air in my son’s blue room, and his childhood too, is temporary.
* * *
Still, I want very much to know: who are women you admire who navigate the tenuous line between motherhood and creativity with grace and verve?
Have you read, Life Among the Savages by Shirley Jackson?
http://mamascouts.blogspot.com/2011/07/book-review-life-among-savages.html?m=1
I also loved Bad Mother by Ayelet Waldman.
Also, in Gift From the Sea, Lindbergh writes beautifully and profoundly about motherhood.
Lastly, A Circle of Quiet, by Madeleine L’Engle. She writes about writing and motherhood.
Found this post through A Design So Vast, which popped up because I was just posting about this very subject.
I love your list of women you admire, and realizing you didn’t see many of them navigating motherhood. A professor gave me an essay by Ursula K. Le Guin called, “The Hand that Rocks the Cradle Writes the Book”–an essay that talks exactly about this struggle and difficulty, and how mothers are going to go deeper into the creative process because they are deeper in the mess and love of life. I’m wondering if you have ever read it.
Lindsey (http://www.adesignsovast.com), in fact her post today sent me here and she weaves these themes together so dextrously. Tammy Lee Bradley is another http://www.blissandfolly.com/ perhaps less reflective on this exact topic than Lindsey but she feeds the raw material of her experience (especially motherhood and family) into her art handsomely – and what personal resilience! Delighted to discover your work also Christina.
I have so often sought a blueprint, too. When I find a creative woman whom I admire, I find myself hoping that she has children, that she balances it all, so that maybe I can learn something. I often feel I’m in so far over my head, at 24 with a 3 year old, a 5 month old, and a creative business. I have often wondered if it is possible. I’ve observed in myself that tension that was mentioned in the above comments. I hope there will be more and more discussion among women like us- like you said, those who do have children don’t often talk about it. But I think we need to.
Hannah, this is something that I want to do here, in this space: create a gathering place for women who are making the blueprint as they go. Who are trying, and showing up, and learning; who are risking everything to be as great as they truly are.
I’m curious: what would a gathering like that look like? What could we make, if we put our heads together?
C,
Such a beautiful and honest post. It made me cry. It didn’t answer any of my questions…but it felt comforting to know that someone else is also asking.
X
Oh, this has been a central concern and preoccupation of my life for so, so long. I wrote my damn thesis my senior year in college on this – the mother/daughter bond in the work and lives of 3 20th century poets, and the tension (real or artificial?) between procreativity and creativity. I do not know. There don’t seem to be a lot of role models, it’s true. I’m learning from you, for what it’s worth, so please keep sharing … xoxo
Such an interesting way of putting it: the tension between procreativity and creativity… that reveals something of the way the two inherently stem from the same source (and perhaps explain why they compete for the same energy?)
I’d love to hear more about your ideas on this Lindsey…
This has been on my mind off an on the last few weeks, particularly when Marissa Mayer became CEO of Yahoo!. I’ve determined that we, women, live sectioned lives, at least most of us. We have decades or periods where we are one person and then another period when we are someone else.
While I don’t see everything that goes on in your life, I feel like you seem to have a good handle on balancing the aspects of your life with the little bumps that it throws along the way.
Someone mentioned Amanda Soule and I would definitely put her on the list but also Renee Tougas of http://fimby.tougas.net/ I only found her in the last year but her ability to meld work/life/child raising has me inspired.
As someone who has delayed having kids for so long that sometimes I am afraid to see what is on the other side, the side of messy and giving myself to young ones—I know one day I’ll be there doing it.
I think you’re so right, Misti! We do live segmented or sectioned lives… What I wonder is: is that the only way?
If we could reinvent the roadmap, what would it look like?
I’d say there are ages and stages. And every individual tries out many paths from here to there.
It was having my daughter that I changed my life around and took control – for her. To her I am incredibly thankful and I do not think she knows how powerful becoming her mother was to determining my direction.
But of course she questioned my choices at every stage and made me evaluate how I needed to balance – home, family, work and art.
It was also for her that I changed the direction of education a Champlain – first because I wanted to create a place that I would be proud to have her attend. Of course being my daughter she majored in the only degree we do not offer!
Now she is a young adult and my work is now for others like her – that they may find their way and even still I look for how I balance love and the work I love.
Oh Ann, thank you for this comment…. Its good to hear how the story can ‘end’–that your daughter is grown, loves you and is well adjusted….
Something I wonder often is how much is it up to us–and how much do our children bring to their own lives, regardless of our intention, participation, action?
feeling that pull, that twirl, that dervish, that melancholy, that joy…feeling all of that right along with you. i have no answers and half of the time (or more) i feel like i am only successful and screwing it all up – not doing something enough along the way, missing out, dropping the ball. i understand…..
Oh Spirly, Yes. Simply yes. Thank you for being a witness, and co-adventurer on this path…
I think Tara hit the nail on the head. I can’t think of a role model who has been “everything.” Possibly because part of parenting in the public eye would be, I think, to keep your children out of it. Barbara Kingsolver writes a bit about her family in Small Wonder, but you are right. Nobody I can think of who is “famous” talks about the push and pull between being yourself and being someone else’s mother. I think that is why your writing has always resonated so much with me. You are so courageous in your writing. You document the messy, difficult parts of motherhood. You are honest about your relationship with your husband, even when your relationship is rocky. (And EVERYONE’S relationship is rocky sometimes.) You are also honest about wanting to be YOU. I love that. It helps me feel more normal. This is pure truth: “Is it possible to be great, to be a Creative in the broadest sense, to live deeply into the world, and still create the measured tempo of home, the rhythm of domesticity, the moments of daily bread and wonder? Some days I think so. Other’s not…It’s fluctuation then,that remains my constant.” Wow. You are amazing. (So is that picture of Sprout…with his little tongue sticking almost out…my kids used to do that. He is still such a babe…)
He is, you’re right Meg–he’ll be 3.5 this month! He’s such a wise little soul though. So full of love and patience…
I’m looking forward to the comments here, and loving your thought-provoking posts lately. I’ve just finished reading Wild Comfort by Kathleen Dean Moore, I would love to know more about how she did it. There are some women who seem to embrace motherhood as the main creative pursuit, Amanda Soule comes to mind, but I think we’re still learning about other ways to do it. I love the trail that you’re blazing here.
I appreciate that you see me as “blazing a trail” Fiona… some days it feels more like twirling with a blindfold on… but I’m trying my damned hardest!
Honestly, I always feel HONORED when you stop by my blog and take the time to leave a comment! It’s YOU I admire a lot! The way you have with words, what you accomplish and the bond you have with your family. You are doing an amazing job! I know it’s hard and you are doing so much, but hang in there, it’s worth it! Keep going and keep your family close, don’t let anything take away that bond you have with your husband, it’s so important!
thanks for your kind words and good heart!
tara pollard pakosta